Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
