i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
