and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
