i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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