I just pynch a tree in the face
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
