So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
