She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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