im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
