Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
