My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
