Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
