I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
