I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
