Someone shit on the floor
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
