sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
