Don't you send me to vm
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
