I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
