the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize