Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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