You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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