planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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