I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
