My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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