Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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