It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just invented taco cereal.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
