Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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