Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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