I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
