Define "chronic" masturbator.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You may now shotgun with the bride
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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