how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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