I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
