I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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