the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
