you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
