Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
