Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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