so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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