Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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