dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
