he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
