My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
