I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just gift wrapped bread.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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