Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize