I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
