Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
