It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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