We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize