I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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