Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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