so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
