smell my finger.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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