The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
