My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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