I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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